Five Minutes In the Heavens: Astrological Archetypes

How to guess someone’s astrological sign

by Veronika Vendetta

While astrology isn’t an exact science, there is undeniably something to it. No, I’m not talking about the daily horoscopes you read in the newspaper. Those are bullshit. I’m not 100% behind the predictive nature of astrology. I have much more faith in what the planets in what houses and signs can tell you about yourself.

So, how can you tell what someone’s astrological sign is after only knowing them for five minutes? It’s easier than you think. (Though, I might warn you about people born on the cusp. Cuspies, as I call them, can confuse the hell out of you but, if practiced enough, you can tell what two signs they border on.) Pay attention to them! It’s as easy as that! And here are the traits, looks, and characteristics that will let you know if they’re a Pisces or a Libra.


Leader of the pack. Look for people following closely behind or mimicking gestures and movements. Red hair or ruddy complexion (signifying their strong Mars influence) and an athletic build.


Comfy clothes that look like they’ve been slept in. Not too quick on the uptake, if you know what I mean. Profession might have something to do with cooking/baking, or home design.


Easy to spot. Will talk your ear off, circulate the room, and talk to anybody including themselves. Look for a strange purse if female. (I don’t know why this is true but it is.) Also, pay close attention to their bodies; Gemini is the sign of the twins and there will definitely be something asymmetrical about their appearance. Crooked smile, a limp, one ear higher than the other.


If you’ve ever been cut down to size and had nothing to say about it, you’ve probably met a Cancer. Sandy hair color is a maybe, but look for a voluptuous neckline on a woman or some padding on the men. Wise-cracking and witty, also has a way of never being broke.


Easiest sign of the zodiac to call out. It’s all about the attention with them and they will find whatever way they can to get it; lead singer in a band, in the middle of a circle of people telling jokes and entertaining. They like the spotlight only on them and aren’t comfortable sharing. Also prone to blushing.


Shirt tucked in, shoes shined, hair immaculately parted and held back. This is the essence of Virgo. If they pull their wallet out in front of you and all of their receipts are in chronological order in their billfold, you’ve found one. Look for anal retentiveness, OCD, and things of the like. Also may have brown eyes/hair.


Chubby cheeks with a dimple somewhere on their face. Lighty, flowy conversation that doesn’t offend their sensibilities. Make a declarative statement about someone and if they disagree, you’ve got yourself a Libra.


Dark and broody, usually hovers around the edges of the crowd observing everyone. Dark eyes, unwavering stare and a propensity to wear black. Snide remarks are also common.


The girls tend to be a bit ditzy, but will astound you with something you never knew they knew. The boys tend to be super athletic or super scholars. Look for sparkling eyes and a few near-death experiences.


The hard-workers of the zodiac. Grad school, four jobs, they will absolutely push themselves to the limits. Sexual powerhouses behind closed doors. Talk about sex and watch their reaction. If they don’t say anything, it’s probably a Capricorn.


Flits around the room. May leave in the middle of a sentence. Into all kinds of weird things that most people have never even heard of. Also has ankle problems.


Look for that guy/girl that is staring off into space, in the middle of the crowd but not a part of it. Soft spoken and thoughtful. Thinks before they speak. Also usually has blue-green eyes that change between the two often, like the planet that rules them, Neptune.

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