False Moustaches, Moustache Candy, Moustache Bandages & More

by Kenny O'Connell

Oh dear God in his mercy doing paperwork with a lightpen has redefined bringing the office home under the blanket at 1:30 in the foookin morning which has thus defined the adage, 'live to work, work to live.' In other news I've again found mid digit hair on my lateral hands smaller fingers, which in turn reminded me of those really ugly Portuguese girls in high school that had moustaches, which now has prompted me to break into a resonating blissful version of 'Pencil Thin Moustache' .....and like Blue Bayou I'm picturing those fooking fishing boats with their sails afloat on my own personal downeaster Alexa.

♥ Editor's Special Note: Drugs are bad, Pacman. ♥

Kappa: It's All 日本語 To Me

by Amanda Griggs

When you see the word kappa, what comes to mind? Frat boys or sorority girls? Kappa IS the lOth letter of the Greek alphabet and a popular name option among college panhellenic groups, however in Japan the word has an entirely different meaning.
Kappa are mythological water imps, mischievous in nature and portrayed as being green or yellow, with a scaly, tortoise-like body and webbed hands and feet. They are typically the size of a child but are deceivingly strong and known to attack livestock and humans (particularly children, their prey of choice). The crown of a kappa’s head is concave and holds its life force, water from its home. Kappa are strictly freshwater beings and are often blamed for drownings. At one point in time were referred to as "anus vampires" as many victims were found with distended rectums. It was believed that after drowning their prey, kappa sucked their entrails or life force out via the anus. The kappa has a voracious appetite for the blood of human children, second only to their appetite for cucumbers. Kappas’ love for the vegetable and its usage by river goers to appease the sprites (and enable a safe bathing experience) led to the creation of a cucumber-filled sushi roll called kappamaki.

Despite their gruesome qualities, kappa are extremely intelligent and have a strong sense of decorum. If attacked by one, the only sure way to escape is by bowing deeply to them—in Japan, bowing deeply to someone is a sign of great respect. The kappa will return the bow, spilling the water from their head and rendering them immobile. By refilling the cavity on its head with water from its home, the kappa will become obliged to you for eternity. Once captured, they are very loyal, helpful and will always keep their promises. Benevolent kappa were even believed to have taught bone-setting to their human captors. A fine example of their loyalty can be seen in the cheesy 2010 Japanese film "Death Kappa", in which a kappa (indebted to a young pop star and her grandmother) is exposed to radiation and battles another monster to protect his benefactresses. Spoiler alert: the world is saved and further crisis is averted, mostly thanks to Death Kappa. See? They aren't all bad.

These days kappa aren’t really considered a threat unless you’re racing a Koopa Troopa in Mario Kart or battling a Pokemon trainer with a Golduck in their party, but if you’re planning on going to Japan it sure couldn’t hurt to walk softly and carry a big cucumber.


For more information on the elusive kappa, check out wikipedia, pantheon.org or onmarkproductions.com's deity dictionary.

Kappa-maki

by Amanda Griggs



You've learned how to appease the kappa, now learn how to appease your stomach with a quick recipe for kappa-maki (just in case you have a spare cucumber lying around).

What You Need:
6-7 sheets of nori (dried seaweed, available in the Asian section of your local grocer)
2-3 cups of sushi rice, cooked and cooled (sushi rice is short-grain

Japanese rice, steamed and seasoned with rice vinegar)

kappa-maki: The tasty treat.

l cucumber
salt
soy sauce & wasabi paste for dipping

How It Works:
Wash the cucumber and peel it if desired.

Scoop out the seeds and discard them.

Slice it lengthwise into thin sticks and sprinkle each with a dash of salt.
Lay the nori sheets on a flat surface and spread a thin layer of sushi rice over about 2/3 of each sheet (leaving the l/3 furthest from you rice-less).
Lay a long slice of cucumber in the middle of the rice. Start at the edge nearest to you and carefully roll the seaweed into a long tube.
Repeat with the other pieces of nori and cucumber. Slice each tube into bite-size pieces and serve with soy sauce and/or wasabi for dipping.

If you live near a body of water and have children and/or an anus, I would suggest taking the precautionary measure of setting of sushi aside for your newest friend. You know, just in case.

New Gay Whore-to-Culture App

by Nicholas Krempasky

I’m a fat chaser
I’m a ball baster
I like masc jocks into WS
I’m DDF looking for Same
I’m a latin bottom bitch looking to
Have my hole filled by older white daddy
Papi’s to the front of the line.
Happily partnered but not dead
Open to anything
Come over now
No one over 25 please…

From crass and to the point to the ltr
Looking for same these boys have one thing in common
They are the new electronic gay-whore-to-culture
But don’t worry, there’s an app for that!

It doesn’t stop there… these pseudo “social” sites allowing gay guys (sorry ladies, your market doesn’t have the dollar impact yet apparently) to hook up indiscriminately (or as picky as hell given the tags) has seen wave after wave of new-gay come onto the scene… think pre-stonewall parties with instant access to pants (I know, not much different) but also access to complete digital livelihoods. I miss the cryptic glances and the swarthy stares from across the room… I can still get those looking younger than my near 3O (read as “almost dead”) years, but only from even older men in bars themed in ways interior decorators these days would call antique thrashed sheik or in beer pub relics of even older beer pub relics from the UK to old school dives with innuendos for names… I may miss the more exhilarating glances and the possibilities of free drinks, but I certainly appreciate the doorbell ringing and escorting my evening’s entertainment, who btw I don’t plan on remembering his name, in doing a cordial meet and greet using no words and after festivities, sending him on his way all while wearing my PJs (except when it is “socially excepted” that they be otherwise strewn about my floor).

Le Tour de Earth

by Steven 'Chopes' Davis


‘I’ll meet you in the Philippines. Oh, how? I’ll ride my bike there. See you in a couple yrs!’

This is how this whole craziness started. Joking around with my buddies, then the question popped into my head: ‘Why can’t I ride there?’

2 years later, I am doing it. I am about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime…circumnavigate the world, on my bicycle! To see the people of the world and how they live, will be amazing. I want to learn as much as I can while out and maybe some people will learn from me. There is so much out there and I want to see it all! What better time than the present to do it? Long Beach, CA - Long Beach NY, zigzag my way from Portugal to Transylvanian Alps in Romania, Ukraine, India, Asia.


With my bicycle, a tent, some necessities and WITHOUT sponsorship! The plan is to get as far as my money will get me, which will be at least into Portugal, then get a job to continue on. Riding when I want, breaking when I want, doing what I want. This ride has no time limit because I want to get the most out of it. If there is a stretch of nothing, I’ll probably get through it quick. If there is a stretch of beauty and entertainment, more than likely I will stay and check it all out.

I will be documenting this trip with pictures and posts on my blog at LeTourDeEarth.blogspot.com. You can follow me around the world and see what kind of trouble I am getting into and what sort of terrain I am passing through, as well as daily mileage and mental state. This is going to be a solo trip, so I will probably be like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson in Cast Away. I already have my bike mojo, a Tron action figure (Sam). He will be my companion for the duration of the trip and get me through the hard times.

With the good thoughts from you and the positive people on the road I will make it through this alive. Curiosity never killed any cat I know!